Mother Mindfulness

“The child is in me still and sometimes not so still.”  

-Fred Rogers

I recently spent some time with one of my oldest and dearest friends, Claire and her gorgeous baby daughter, Vivienne.  One thing that strikes me as utterly beautiful and amazing is how loving and patient Claire is with her children. I've known her for a long time and it warms my heart to see her blossoming into such an extraordinary mother.

Having grown up with loving yet somewhat impatient parents, I am inspired by Claire's ability to deliver comfort with patience and ease.  Her love and nurturing is beautiful to witness. Though I'm sure at times Claire is not feeling so patient, she rarely lets it show and instead simply allows Vivienne to have her tantrum by holding her calmly, soothingly, and not putting her down until the strong emotion or sensation has dissolved.

Regardless of how much love we received or did not receive as children, regardless of how much older, wiser or more mature we've become, we all have an "inner child" existing somewhere beneath the surface.  Most of the time when a strong emotion passes over us as adults, its roots reach far back to an experience or experiences that we had as children. These seeds that were planted long ago can affect the feeling of not belonging, of not being listened to or heard, a feeling of being afraid, inferior, angry, vulnerable or alone.  These seeds grow into big emotions when, as adults, we are faced with the very same experiences that planted those seeds in the first place (a spouse who isn't hearing your needs, an impatient co-worker who says something to make you feel inferior, etc).  Sensing this, our inner child starts to have a tantrum and often times there is no one there to soothe those strong feelings.

Enter the practice of mindfulness.  Thich Nhat Hanh says that mindfulness can act as a nurturing mother in times of powerful feelings.  He says that we can soothe the strong emotions we encounter by cradling them with mindfulness.  We can go home to ourselves and comfort the little child inside, listen to our child, and respond directly to him/her.

As a part of my practice, whenever I feel a strong reaction to something, I immediately bring my attention to it (instead of pushing it away or suppressing it) and I allow my attention to hold it, like Claire holds a fussy Vivienne.  I acknowledge the presence of anger, sadness, anxiety, remorse, judgement, etc. and let it know that I am there for it, holding it and not abandoning it until it feels soothed and attended to.  Once I do this, the intensity of the emotion begins to subside and I can act from a place of compassion and clarity instead of anger or defensiveness.  It's a very simple but powerful practice!

Practice this today and every day and watch your reactions, your suffering and your misperceptions be transformed.  Do this for yourself, your loved ones and the world.

Until next time...

“The most sophisticated people I know - inside they are all children. ” 

― Jim Henson

Taking Care of Anger

(from the Plum Village website: www.plumvillage.org)

"Thay often compares our anger to a small child, crying out to his mother. When the child cries the mother takes him gently in her arms and listens and observes carefully to find out what is wrong. The loving action of holding her child with her tenderness, already soothes the baby’s suffering. Likewise, we can take our anger in our loving arms and right away we will feel a relief. We don’t need to reject our anger. It is a part of us that needs our love and deep listening just as a baby does.

After the baby has calmed down, the mother can feel if the baby has a fever or needs a change of diaper. When we feel calm and cool, we too can look deeply at our anger and see clearly the conditions allowing our anger to rise.

When we feel angry it is best to refrain from saying or doing anything. We may like to withdraw our attention from the person or situation, which is watering the seed of anger in us. We should take this time to come back to ourselves. We can practice conscious breathing and outdoor walking meditation to calm and refresh our mind and body. After we feel calmer and more relaxed we can begin to look deeply at ourselves and at the person and situation causing anger to arise in us. Often, when we have a difficulty with a particular person, he or she may have a characteristic that reflects a weakness of our own which is difficult to accept. As we grow to love and accept ourselves this will naturally spread to those around us."

No Distinctions (Monastery Visit-Part Two)

“The Sangha is invited to come back to their breathing. Let the whole Sangha breathe as one body, chant as one body, listen as one body and transcend the boundaries of the delusive self, liberating from the superiority complex, the inferiority complex, and the equality complex.”
(Thich Nhat Hanh)

One of the most profound moments of realization from our recent trip to Magnolia Grove Monastery came when, during a question and answer session, a young girl named Quin asked Thay:  "I wanted to ask how I can relate to another person and love the person with my whole heart and not feel superior, or inferior or equal to the person.  It's a very hard concept for me to grasp because sometimes I feel jealous or inferior than another person and it makes me suffer a lot."  Thay answered gently: "When we see the other person, we should recognize that in him or her there is suffering also.  There is suffering in us for sure, but there is suffering in him and in her too, so you have something in common - both of you suffer. Based upon that it is possible to help each other to suffer less. And you forget about that you are equal to him or better than him or are worth less than him.  To suffer is not a bad thing.  Suffering is an ingredient with which we can make happiness  The practice consists of learning how to make good use of the suffering in order to create happiness.  We know that comparing and these other complexes create suffering, so we give priority to the practice of recognizing the suffering in us and in the other person.  The first thing we do is to help them to suffer less, because that person may look like she does not suffer, but that's not true... that is not true.  That person may look very fancy, but there is one thing that is certain; there is suffering in him or in her, and if you can touch that compassion in you it will arise and it will protect you from afflictions such as jealously, superiority, and inferiority."

When we meet or see others, there is often a tendency to compare.  There always seems to be a part of us that is summing up whether we are superior, inferior or equal to the person we see or meet.  Our practice helps us to free ourselves from all distinctions, to understand that I am in you and you are in me.  No distinctions.  No separation.  Just inter-being as Thay calls it.  This has helped me immensely in the few days it's been since Thay talked about it.  When a situation arises that causes either of these complexes to surface, I come back to my breath and remind myself that there are no distinctions between myself and the person in front of me.  

When we look deeply and touch the heart of our suffering, we recognize and connect with each person we come into contact with on a profound level.  This is how we open the door to our heart.

Next time you find yourself confronted with feelings of superiority, inferiority or even equality, look deeply at the person in front of you and with your whole heart, recognize their suffering, remember you suffer too and know that you both share the capacity to create happiness out of this shared suffering.

Until next time...

 

(photo by John Cotterman, one of our work family members on the retreat)

Please Call Me By My True Names

Portion of a poem by Thich Nhat Hanh

My joy is like a spring, so warm

it makes flowers bloom all over the Earth.

My pain is like a river of tears,

so vast it fills the four oceans.

Please call me by my true names,

so I can hear all my cries and laughter at once,

so I can see that my joy and pain are one.

Please call me by my true names,

so I can wake up

and the door of my heart

could be left open,

the door of compassion.

Home (Monastery Visit, Part One)

"May we awaken from forgetfulness and realize our true home..."

One of the first things we encountered as we turned up the road towards Magnolia Grove Monastery was a small, white sign with the words: "I have arrived, I am home" hand painted in grass green paint.  I smiled.  This is one of Thay's favorite sayings and it is the root of his practice and his teaching.  The fact that it was the first thing we saw of our destination after a long journey was sweet.  We had indeed arrived.

The monastery sits on about 120 acres of rolling farmland in rural Batesville, Mississippi, about 10 hours due west of Columbia.  As we drove up the dirt road that leads to Magnolia Grove, we were full of excitement and wonder.  We had no expectations, just a sense of being open to taking in all that the week had to offer.

After setting up our tent and settling in, we began to explore the grounds.  The monastery was surprisingly calm and still in light of the fact that nearly 900 people would be arriving within hours.  We begin to see monastics dressed in traditional brown robes, with shaved heads, and non las (pointy bamboo or leaf hats), setting about their assigned tasks very slowly and mindfully.  Everyone was smiling and working steadily.  Their sense of calm and ease was contagious.  We immediately felt at home.

We spent the entire week outside with the exception of the bath house which was the only enclosed, heated dwelling that we used.  We were essentially "homeless" for the week; living in a tent, eating every meal outside, using the meditation hall tent, and gathering with Thay each morning for walking meditations through the forests and fields of the monastery grounds.  Being stripped of our "things" (our house, our comfy bed, our closets full of clothing, our televisions and computers) heightened the realization that home is not in "things", it is in us.  It's wherever we happen to find ourselves, in any given moment.  

Thay was born in Vietnam in 1926.  When the Vietnam War broke out in the 60's (the Vietnamese call it "The American War") and after witnessing unspeakable violence and the suffering of so many people, Thay spoke out against the war and was exiled by the Vietnamese government from his country.  He ended up seeking political asylum in France where he has lived ever since.  Thay talks about being stripped of his nationality and about how though he was taken in by the French, that France wasn't his true home either.  He speaks about how in those early years of exile, he suffered homesickness and sadness until he realized that "home" is not where we live or where we were born.  Home is in us.

Our true home is not limited to a place or a time. Our true home cannot be described by geographical location or in terms of culture.  Life is our true home.  The expression “I have arrived, I am home" is the embodiment of our practice.  It expresses our understanding that the past is no longer a prison for us, that the future is no longer a prison for us.  We are able to live in the here and the now.

Thay says, "Our true home is in the present moment, whatever is happening right here and right now. Our true home is the place where we no longer seek, no longer wish, no longer regret.  We begin to see that the future is available in the present, and when we touch the present moment deeply, we touch the past; and if we know how to handle the present moment properly, we heal the past.

Our true home is not the past; it's not the object of our regrets, our yearning, our longing, or remorse.

Our true home is not the future; it's not the object of our worries, hopes or fears.  Our true home lies right in the present moment.  If we can practice returning right here and right now, then the energy of mindfulness will help us establish our true home in the present moment."

So whether we are hundreds of miles from our brick and mortar home, or camping outside in a tent, or walking through the aisles of the grocery store, we can remind ourselves to arrive and to be "home" in these very moments by connecting with our breath.

To arrive, simply inhale and silently say: "I have arrived", and exhale repeat: "I am home".  Do this as many times as it takes to drop your grasp on the past and worry about the future.  Arrive in the here and the now and find peace.

Until next time, please enjoy Sister Chan Khong, one of the nuns we met this week, sharing her happiness :)  Enjoy!